


Countdown To Midnight

by dismantilingsummer



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Anxiety, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Like Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Gore, Past Torture, Pre TG:Re, hidekane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4236150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dismantilingsummer/pseuds/dismantilingsummer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Anteiku-raid, Hide is charged with keeping Kaneki calm as his memories are erased.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how the CCG might have erased Kaneki's memories, so please forgive my plot device style answer. Aka, I just wanted Kaneki to be reliving his past as he lost it. And Hide to be watching.

Nagachika Hideyoshi had been prepared to dive into the sewers, feed his best friend on blood and guts, and never see him again. Sending him into battle with Arima—losing him a second time to the CCG’s erasure processes—this had all been part of the plan. The plan he had helped design with top ranking CCG officers. 

He had not been prepared to be called in to the CCG Research Faculty.

He stood before Arima, his muscles poised and tense, his usual flashy smile plastered on his face. You could trust me, the smile said. I’ll do my best.

Of course it was unclear if Arima bought any of it. Although he prided himself on reading people, he had difficulty reading the Special Ranks investigator. He wouldn’t be surprised if Arima could read the resentment that boiled behind his smile, the fear that weighed on his chest like a stone when he tried to get up in the mornings.

“He’s still healing,” Arima said. “And he’s been pumped with RC suppressants. Nonetheless, every time he regains consciousness he becomes extremely distressed. We’re worried the emotional strain of the erasure process might exasperate his mental state. Aside from scaring the staff, this could prove a problem for Kaneki’s rehabilitation. We would like to start treating him as human as we can. Quickly.”

“How can I help?” Hide asked.

“We would like you to be present during his erasure sessions,” Arima explained. “You will keep him calm throughout the process.”

“Understood, Arima-san.”

Arima nodded. A dismissal. But Hide paused at the door, pulse thrumming in his ears. 

“Does he know what’s going to happen?”

“He has been told. Whether he understands in the state he is in you will have to see for yourself."

That night, Hide waded through the sea of Kaneki’s possessions he had strewn around his living room, the stacks of books and mounds of clothing. All of the things he had rescued from Kaneki’s apartment, before it had been cleaned out and rented to an incoming University student. After everything he had been through, he did not know if he had the strength for this one last thing. He did not know if he could help Kaneki wade through his memories, only for them all to sink away, one by one.

He lay awake for a long time, watching his bedroom fan spin circles. Although the first session wasn’t scheduled for another two days, he had been allowed a visitation in the morning.  
* * *

Security escorted him through the faculty to the highest clearest wing. He was given an access card that would allow him into Kaneki’s room. A flushed-face nurse warned him that Kaneki was having trouble holding consciousness for long periods of time, as they had been upping his dosage of RC suppressants as he healed. “If I’m successful in my job, can you reduce the dosage?” Hide asked. The nurse promised she would ask for permission, but she looked over Hide's shoulder as she said it. Hide would see to it himself that it was done.

The room was stark white. He wondered why anybody was surprised by Kaneki’s anxiety. The last time he had woken up in a hospital room, he had been stitched up with ghoul organs. The universe expected over and over again for Kaneki to just deal. That was where Hide came in, where Hide always came in. If he couldn’t carry the burden, he could at least lighten the load. But this—how in the hell was he supposed to lighten this?

Kaneki was strapped down to the bed by restraints at his ankles, wrists, and torso. Bandages were wound around the blank holes where his eyes were still regenerating. Although Kaneki’s eyes were gone and his body nearly immobile, Hide could still tell he was awake by the rapid inflations of his chest, the tight way he held his mouth and jaw. He strode across the room and sank into the chair next to Kaneki’s bedside. He took his hand.

“Hi—Hide?”

“Hey, buddy,” Hide said. “I’m here.”

Kaneki’s voice rose as he strained against his restraintments, clutched Hide’s hand hard. “Hide, I can’t see anything. I can’t see I can’t see they told me they’re going to take everything away—“

“You only can’t see because your eyes are still regenerating,” Hide said. “Hasn’t anyone told you that?”

“No.”

Anger thrummed in his chest, made his heart pound in his ears. He was supposed to trust Kaneki’s new life to these people?

“You’ll be able to see again, okay? Don’t worry about that now. Man, I can’t get over your hair. You beat me at my own game. You make my bleach job look weak.”

Kaneki’s mouth slipped into a smile that quickly contorted. “You knew. All this time. That I’m. I’m. I’m—“

“I told you,” Hide said. “Who cares about that?”

Kaneki made a strange gasping sound, and Hide said, “Please don’t cry without eyes, man. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you, Hide.”

He frowned. Had to look away from his friend tearlessly crying in shackles and bandages. Don’t thank me. How can you thank me? You’re right. They’re going to take it away. They’re going to take everything away.

“Thank you…” 

He snapped his eyes back to Kaneki. He was falling asleep again. Hide stayed until his breathing slowed down, and his muscles relaxed, and his grip on Hide’s hand finally loosened. He brushed some of the hair out of Kaneki’s face, lingered by his bed, tried to drink in everything—tried to see Kaneki while there was still a Kaneki to see.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, “ Hide said. 

Outside the room, the hallway was surprisingly empty. He walked through silent underground tunnels of white; emerged to fog-drenched city streets. He opened an umbrella against the beginning drizzles of rain. 

Tomorrow.


	2. Five to Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki begins to be erased.

By the time Hide arrived at the research faculty, Kaneki had been shifted into a half-sitting position, a crown of wires decorating his head. He still seemed drugged, bleary-eyed and blinking in the brightness of the fluorescents and the white-coated doctors fluttering around him. The doctors and nurses said nothing to Kaneki as they adjusted the apparatus meant to drain his memories away, but they greeted Hide and moved aside so he could take the available seat by Kaneki.

“Hey, Kaneki,” Hide said. “How’re you feeling?”

“—tired—Hide, you—“

“Yeah?”

“—you came back—“

“Of course I came back,” Hide said. “You’re not going to go through this alone, okay? Even when—“ He swallowed, plastered a smile on his face. “Even when you can’t remember me, I’ll be here. Kay?”

Kaneki’s eyes slipped shut. He felt a burst of anger rip through him that he was being denied a proper conversation with his long-lost best friend by the sheer amount of drugs the CGG had pumping through Kaneki's system. Though, if Kaneki was fully cognizant, what could Hide possibly say to him? What could make this right? 

A man shook Hide’s hand and introduced himself as Tanaka, the head Doctor. “I’m going to stay here to monitor the process,” Dr. Tanaka. “Everyone else is going to step besides that glass. Are you comfortable with this arrangement? We were originally going to have Investigators on hand, but Arima-san did not seem to believe that necessary if you were here.”

Is that so? “Yes,” Hide said. “That’s fine, Sensei.”

Dr. Tanaka busied himself in the corner of the room, preparing whatever there was to be prepared. “What’s going to happen?” Kaneki whispered. “I don’t want this…”

“We’ll start slow,” the doctor was saying. “We’ll start with a year.”

“Hang on,” Hide said. “Have you explained to him what exactly this—“

Kaneki gave a great tremor, and squinted his eyes closed. Impulsively Hide reached out for his hand. Dr. Tanaka peered closely at his monitor, seemingly oblivious to the reality of his patient as a person ( _a person_ ) existing beyond a series of vital signs and orders. 

“In the sewers,” Kaneki said. “You found me; you said you knew.”

Hide blinked. “That’s right. I’ve known since Nishiki-sempei kicked my ass last October.”

“Anteiku!” he gasped. “They’re going to—I have to protect—I have to…”

“….”

“…can’t remember…”

Kaneki snatched his hand away from Hide’s and gripped at the covers of the bed. He was gritting his teeth and writhing about, and Hide didn’t know what to do. If he was observing everything correctly—and he was pretty sure he was—Kaneki had already forgotten that Hide knew he was a ghoul. What did that mean? Did he know where he was now? How much of the present was he experiencing? For that matter…something icy and terrible clutched at Hide’s insides. How much of the past was he experiencing? 

“Touka-chan, I’m sorry…!”

“My own strength? My own strength…”

“ _I am the fucking strong._ ”

Kaneki’s right eye flared red, the pupil dilating into blackness despite the RC suppressants chugging through his blood. The expression had smoothed out of his face, the fear and distress wiped away from his voice, and for a moment Hide found himself staring into the face of a stranger. It occurred to him that there was so much he did not know about Kaneki's lost year, and now he would never know. He looked again in that red eye, and found the faintest chill of fear run down his spine. No, Hide thought desperately. I wasn’t scared that day in the sewers, and I’m not scared now, but how can I help? What does Arima-san want me to do?

“Damn it!” Kaneki cried suddenly. “Everything I learned, everything I sacrificed for, everything is slipping away—“

Kaneki went rigid and still. Hide leaned closer, pried Kaneki’s right hand from the covers and gripped it in his hand. Ever since this session had begun, Kaneki had writhed and cried out, had flared the red in his eye and alternatively turned steely-voiced, strange and cold and menacing ( _yes menacing, menacing in a way Hide had never heard before_ ) but he had never done just this: turned frozen. 

For the first time since the session had begun, Hide spoke. “Kaneki?”

And then, Kaneki _laughed_ , low in his throat, like a vibration.

“The carpus metacarpus. The phalanges. The disiform trigque-trium. Lunate scaphoid hamate capitate trapezoid trapexium meta carpals one two three four five proximalis distalis the media ha ha ha!”

“Kaneki,” Hide said. “Stay with me, bud.”

“Hide.” Kaneki’s eyes flew open once more, his kakugan still active. His eyes were wide and delirious, high on drug and fever and memory. “Will you be happy? Will you be happy when the 'pure me' returns? Will I be happy? _Boku, Watashi, Ore_ —“

He screamed.

“ _It’s all undoing in my head! I’m back in shackles—I’m, I’m, I’m the one being hurt!_ ”

Hide felt the change in the air before it happened. Kaneki lashed forward in his restraints, eyes wide and panicked with animal-fear, and then his kagune bloomed out of his back, red warped vines that thrashed out and whipped wildly. Hide ducked, seized Kaneki by the hands, but Kaneki—even if he could no longer remember the fact—had more than one kagune, and his face was already beginning to disappear under the black of a half-kajuka mask, and still he was screaming, screaming numbers now, backwards from one thousand by sevens, and God, Hide knew something must have happened, knew that the change that had been so gradual had reached some breaking point of pressure, but this torture, these numbers, he felt _sick_ —

“We need backup,” Dr. Tanak was saying. He fumbled for a radio, mumbling seemingly to himself, in rehearsal, or perhaps justification. There were noises behind the glass, people waiting orders. “Patient is growing violent; it’s growing violent—ah, here—“

“I’ve got this!” Hide shouted. “I’ve got him, let me prove it!”

He didn’t wait to see if Dr. Tanaka had listened or not. He was crawling onto the bed, releasing Kaneki’s restrained hands to touch his shoulders, his mask. “It’s me,” Hide said. “You’re not there anymore, you’re here, you’re just reliving it, look at me, okay? Look. Don't leave me. Rabbits die from loneliness, you know.”

The kagune faltered. Kaneki was merely gasping the numbers now. Tears dripped from behind the mask, joined the sweat coating his neck. The kagune suddenly surged around Kaneki, but they did not strike ( _Hide knew they wouldn’t strike_ ). They wrapped around Hide, almost as if in an embrace. Then they dissolved away. Kaneki fell back against the pillow. The memory had ended. He lay there exhausted, and as Hide crawled off the bed and returned to his seat, all that came out of Kaneki were despairing murmurs. 

“Banjou-san…Tsukiyama-san…Hinami-chan…”

The tears continued to roll down Kaneki’s face, now barren of the mask, now human ( _always human_ ) as Kaneki’s precious people all slipped away, one by one.

“Yoshimura-san…Touka-chan…”

He fell silent. Everything fell silence. Dr. Tanaka was suddenly standing just behind Hide. The silence, Hide realized, was from the sudden absence of white noise. The low buzzing and whirring of machinery had halted. Dr. Tanaka clapped Hide on the shoulder.

“Hideyoshi-kun! That was impressive. You’re as good as Arima-san says. You're—“

“Enough of that,” Hide interrupted. “What just happened?”

Dr. Tanaka blinked. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t realize,” Hide said, fighting to keep his voice even. “that it was going to be like this.”

“The procedure, you mean.”

“Yes.”

Dr. Tanaka cocked his head, like an animal might. “What did you think it would be like?”

Hide didn’t answer. He watched the rise and fall of Kaneki’s chest. There were slivers of fabric on the hospital bed from when Kaneki’s kagune had torn a hole through his clothing. The one benefit of having your identity erased was supposed to be having your pain erased. Kaneki made 'pure again,' if that was how he wanted to put it (Hide didn't give a shit if Kaneki was _pure_ or not, even if he wished none of this had ever happened). It wasn’t supposed to mean you relived it. You weren’t supposed to know you were losing as you lost.

“It will be easier,” Dr. Tanak said. “when he is less drugged. All right? I don’t think he should be so dangerous in the future. I’m going to reduce his dosage. It will be different when he more clearly understands what is going on. He might even be able to stay ‘here’ with you as it happens. All right, Hideyoshi-kun?”

Hide didn’t reply. It suddenly felt as though there was not enough oxygen in the room. His chest was closing tight, and something strange was happening to his throat, something he barely recognized, and he knew he had to get out, get above ground, because down here he had to be brave, had to be strong, for Kaneki’s sake, and soon he was going to be rendered unable to do that. So he nodded, and started to walk, and he did not stop until he had reached the elevator at the end of the hallway, and had gone upwards six floors, and had stepped outside into the clear air. It was still drizzling. The grey sky bared down like a ceiling, oppressive.

He opened his mouth, as if to scream. But he didn’t make a sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


	3. Four to Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki doesn't remember he's a ghoul. Hide enjoys a visit with his old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized I made a really stupid mistake last chapter and described Kaneki's eyes like 10x despite having already written him in as temporally blind. Please ignore that and enjoy the return of bandaged Kaneki.

Hide left early for the second session in hopes of finding some time to talk with Kaneki before Dr. Tanaka got his hands on him. He arrived at a mercilessly empty room, but paused in the doorway. Kaneki was sitting up in bed—surely a good sign—but he was cracking his knuckles, one by one. It wasn’t a habit Hide had ever observed in him before. He watched Kaneki methodically move through each fingers before he announced himself.

“Hide!” Kaneki smiled. “I could tell somebody was here.”

“You sound way better,” Hide said, taking his usual seat.

“I feel better,” Kaneki said. “That is, I feel awake. But also—“ He trailed off.

“It’s okay, dude. No one’s here but me.”

“I’m confused,” Kaneki said flatly. “Tanaka-sensei has told me there’s something wrong with my brain, and it’s made me unstable, and because of this they are erasing my memories. For my own safety. But how am I dangerous?”’

When Hide didn’t answer, Kaneki went on. “I don’t feel right. Gaps in memory aside. My body’s different. I have all these—“ He flushed below his bandages. “—muscles I don’t remember having, and I don’t have any appetite. Nobody will explain anything to me. The only thing Tanaka-sensei would tell me that I nearly scratched my eyes out, but that they’re heaing, and this is why I’m in shackles now.”

“So you don’t hurt yourself,” Hide said. For the first time he was relieved Kaneki’s vision was temporarily busted, so that he didn't have to see what Hide saw: white hair and black nails, a thin face with all of its baby fat shaved off. 

“Right. But I can tell people are afraid when they're in the same room as me. It sounds crazy but it's like…like a scent. Something in the air. Why won’t anyone tell me anything real?”

“You don’t have any appetite?” Hide asked. “That’s no good, Kaneki.” 

Kaneki frowned. “The nurses make me eat every morning, but I don’t know what they’re feeding me. It’s some kind of meat I can’t identity. That’s all they give me: a slab of overcooked meat.” Kaneki laughed. The sound came out brittle and flat. “It tastes good. But it would taste better--” Kaneki paused. One hand jerked upwards in its shackle. "It tastes fine."

“Hospital food, huh,” Hide said. _For the love of God, Kaneki, were you trying to touch your chin just now?_ The thought almost made him smile. Almost. 

Kaneki reached out towards Hide, and Hide took his hand. “Please explain to me what is going on.”

“Kaneki—“

Just then the door slid open, and Dr. Tanaka appeared, flanked by usual team of doctors and nurses. He raised his eyebrows, and Hide knew he didn’t approve of Hide arriving ahead of schedule. “Hey there, Sensei! That was a pretty cool entrance you just made. Do you all group up in the hallway, or did you walk the whole way like that?”

Kaneki snickered. Dr. Tanaka just smiled, said, “Hello, Hideyoshi-kun, Kaneki-kun. Are we ready to get started?”

As the nurses began to arrange the crown of wires on Kaneki’s head, Hide slipped over to Dr. Tanaka, who was setting up the machinery. “You know, he doesn’t remember being a ghoul anymore.”

“I know.”

“So do you think you can retire the prisoner-garb? He’s not going to escape. He doesn’t know how.”

“Centipede is a very powerful ghoul,” Dr. Tanaka said. “and he longer remembers how to use his powers, or that he even has them. He is in shackles for our protection. We are not worried he might escape. If he tries to escape, you know, we will just put him down.”

Shivers ran down Hide’s spine. “You can’t treat him like this, with your half-assed explanations. He’s confused. He’s scared. He’s a human being—“

“We do not need to provide full explanations to someone who is consistently losing his memory,” Dr. Tanaka said. “We only need to say enough to keep him quiet between sessions. Do not overestimate your power here, Hideyoshi-kun. If it were up to me, I would have brought random CGI investigators here for protection. I’m only allowing your presence because Arim-san has insisted.”

 _Arima-san._ That was who Hide ought to talk to. Perhaps he could help make this process more humane—

“Now,” Dr. Tanaka said. “If you would, assume the position you’re paid to assume…?”

Hide snapped a salute and grinned. “Yes, Sensei.” He returned to Kaneki’s bedside.

“I’m starting to recognize your footsteps,” Kaneki said. He was trying to smile, but his voice was shaking. 

“My footsteps are very memorable.”

“I can always tell it’s you when you surprise me from behind at the library, but that’s only because you play your American music so loud in those headphones.”

“I knew there was a reason the librarians hated me so much…and to think they weren’t all won over by my good looks.”

“You’re not going to tell me what’s going on, are you?”

Hide took his hand again. “Kaneki. I’m really, really sorry.”

“It’s all right.” Kaneki blushed under his bandages. Hide had nearly forgotten how often Kaneki flushed. “I’m glad you’re here, anyway.”

 _I’m glad too,_ Hide thought, as the machines turned out, and Kaneki’s head shot back to the pillows. He had never thought he would see this Kaneki again—the “pure” Kaneki. He loved Kaneki no matter what, but he had no pretenses about what the past year had done to his best friend. Kaneki was Kaneki still, but he knew there were ways in which he had been changed irrevocably. It was…nostalgic, to see Kaneki like this, blushing and joking and confused, yes, frightened, yes, but unburdened, unknowing of what the meat he consumed was. It was comforting.

(And yet—the knuckle cracking—)

He settled into the chair. Kaneki was speaking. “Kamii University—I was so happy when we started there—“

Hide closed his eyes. “Tell me about it. What are you seeing?”

“Ah, we’re at that concert you dragged me too. You know I don’t do well in crowds. I don’t know why you insisted we get so close to the stage—“

“You’re not still mad about that, are you?! I didn't know you would get carried off. You're too delicate for your own good.”

“Who are you calling delicate?! We’re—ah—I’m in class…”

Kaneki's voice was still shaking, but it didn’t let up. So Hide kept quiet, and listened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed! Chapters will be getting longer from here on.


	4. Three to Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki remembers his Aunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The incident Kaneki recalls here is taken from one of the TG light novels. There are a few summaries of it on tumblr, but basically what happens is this: Kaneki's Aunt throws away all of his books. Kaneki is devastated/ready to give up right away. Upon finding out what happens, Hide intimidates Kaneki's Aunt. drags him over to the recycling center, and helps Kaneki find all of his books again (I'm not crying, you're crying).

_Damn it_. Hide slumped against the bathroom counter, his hands pressed against slippery tile. He breathed hard into the sink, trying to wrestle down his anger before he went to meet Kaneki for the fifth session. He had just received Arima’s official response to the proposal he had tacked on to the end of his last report on Kaneki’s progress. The five page packet had outined what, in his opinion, would make the erasure process more humane for Kaneki. 

First of all, he argued, materials should be prepared explaining the situation in full to Kaneki. What had happened, what was happening, and what was going to happen. No person should be forced to endure what Kaneki was doing without explanation. Furthermore, Hide believed Kaneki would be more corporative in his next life and more quick to trust the CCG if he left his previous life with a more positive attitude about what was the CCG was doing. Memories can be erased, Hide conceded, but something remains. Imprinting Kaneki with positive short-term memories would be more than humane—it would be useful. 

Secondly, allow Kaneki more freedom and comfort. Provide him with an actual room—a room with books and a television and (limited) freedom. He understood that such a room would have to be monitored, and such items would have to be carefully selected, but more positive conditions would be beneficial to Kaneki’s mental state. Although the second session had been peaceful compared to the first, Kaneki had regressed during the third and fourth. He was growing more distressed and more agitated with each passing session. 

_Nurse Maiko,_ Hide had written, _reports that when I am not present Kaneki becomes increasingly confused and restless. He asks for me repeatedly, asks for clarification about his situation, asks to be allowed access to a telephone—all with what Nurse Maiko describes as a kind of ‘polite, earnest, desperation.’ When his requests are denied or ignored, he becomes increasingly anxious, and often has to be subdued when his anxiety peaks into a panic attack. Although Kaneki has forgotten many of the factors contributing to his debilitated mental state, it’s evident that past damage combined with is current circumstances are exasperating his already poor mental health. Nurse Maiko has offered to make a statement corroborating all of this. I can only conclude that the current band aid solution (my presence) is woefully inadequate in producing a stable and healthy patient._

All of this had been rejected by Arima. Hide sighed, straightened, smiled at himself in the mirror. There would be time for self pity later. It was time for the day’s work.

Kaneki sat up against the hospital wall, his usual bandages wrapped tightly around his skull. He cracked his fingers in quick rhythm. Hide didn’t ask him about it; he knew if he did Kaneki would only grow confused, and then more distressed. Instead he sank into his usual seat and greeted his friend. “Hey, buddy.”

“Hi, Hide.” Kaneki said it more like a sigh than a statement. The tension in his shoulders seemed to relax as well. He hadn’t needed Nurse Maiko to tell him that Kaneki was growing more dependent on Hide as his mind deteriorated. He knew he had become Kaneki’s lifeline to self and memory. He quickly took Kaneki’s hand to prove the reality of his presence.

“How’re you doing today?”

“Okay. I’m good…”

“You know how I told you last week I was thinking of bleaching my hair again?”

Kaneki nodded, smiled. His short-term memory was mostly fine, but it was starting to become strained by the constant erosion of Kaneki’s long-term memory.

“I went to the store yesterday and my favorite dye is gone! MY FAVORITE DYE, KANEKI! I’m dying now.”

“Isn’t all bleach the same?”

“You wound me with such suggestions.”

“That’s a tragic way to go. Dying over dye.”

“Now you’re starting to appreciate the gravity of the situation.”

“You look fine to me, you know.”

“Thanks—hey wait! You bastard.”

Dr. Tanaka interrupted, as usual. “Ready over there, Hideyoshi-kun?” he called. 

Hide ignored the doctor and spoke to Kaneki. “You tell me. Are you ready? Are you feeling okay enough to be ready?”

Kaneki’s hand started to tremble inside Hide’s. He had lost about half of high school at this point. His memories halted somewhere at age 16. “What choice do I have?”

Hide sighed, pressed his thumb over Kaneki’s. He refused to look at the doctor. “Yeah, he’s ready.”

The crown of wires buzzed and whirred. Hide imagined them a swarm of insects, clicking and snapping at Kaneki’s brain, worming into his memories, pulling apart his thoughts, making a meal of his precious people. The doctor sighed, long and low, as if this was a pleasure, as if the careful dissection and eradication of Kaneki’s mind, Kaneki’s self, was just careful science, exquisite art. Hide hated Dr. Tanaka with a force that stirred him, sometimes, in the middle of the night, to restless fury He knew he was focusing all of his anger onto a person who was perhaps just a cog in a machine, and perhaps he ought to refocus his anger on the person in charge of the machine, but the person in charge of the machine was the same person who had stopped Kaneki from being killed in the first place. Arima was a complicated target. Dr. Tanaka was simple, savage. He was pulled to the carcass of Kaneki’s mind and in return Hide was pulled to him. They were vultures, both of them. Kaneki’s fingernails, bitten as they were, dug into Hide’s palm.

He took a deep breath.

“Hey. What do you see?”

Kaneki grimaced. _Ah,_ Hide thought. _So your Aunt again._ Even now, Kaneki resisted badmouthing his Aunt. Occasionly, over the past two sessions, he had refused to tell Hide what he saw, even as he grew clearly upset. Of course Hide knew Kaneki well enough that he could often figure out for himself what Kaneki was remembering. What had happened at graduation, for example, still blazed brightly in Hide's own memory.

“Come on," he said with a sigh. "What’s she doing this time?”

In a very small voice, Kaneki said, “She’s throwing away my books.”

“Kaneki, I’m going to confess something to you. I almost killed her that day.”

“My father’s books. How could she not know they were precious to me?”

“Kaneki, she knew.”

He didn’t reply. Hide knew that even now, Kaneki had trouble accepting that his Aunt was unable to love him. Back then, in high school, he was always inventing wrongs he might have committed to have sparked her anger. _Oh, I was noisy coming home last night. I must have forgotten to clean the bathroom up. She became angry at my cousin because of me._ It used to drive Hide crazy, but he always had to dance very carefully around Kaneki’s excuses. He didn't want Kaneki to blame himself for his Aunt's inherent evilness, but at the same time, he didn't want to force Kaneki to accept that it was simply Kaneki himself that his Aunt hated so much.

“You saved me.”

“I told you I was a good treasure hunter, didn’t I? Of course I helped save your books.”

“No, I mean it, you saved _me._ ”

Hide looked down. He didn’t feel as though he had saved Kaneki.

“That’s why I—why I couldn’t—“

“Why you what?”

Kaneki seemed to sink deeper into the bed. “I can’t remember.”

“That’s okay. Thank God we found your books, right? You remember that part?”

“Yes. Hide, do you remember what you told me after?”

“Um…”

“You told me that I could go to University, and then I would be able to live on my own,” Kaneki said. His voice was growing louder, more frantic. His body had begun to tense again as well, the desperation leaking from his voice to his person. “You told me I could live alone, and maybe find a girlfriend who loved to read, and that—we could be together. Away from home.”

“I remember that now.”

Kaneki gripped Hide’s hand. “But I don’t remember what happened. It’s all white haze. You have to tell me, Hide. Did we do it? Did I get away?”

_Oh._ Hide bristled. One of the rules outlined in Hide’s assignment was that he wasn’t supposed to talk to Kaneki about anything that had been erased. He definitely couldn’t remind him of anything that had been forgotten. But that didn’t matter now. Not when rule number two interfered with rule number one: keeping Kaneki calm. “Yes,” he answered. “Yes, we got away. We went to the same school. You had your own apartment. We saw each other every day.”

He didn't say anything about the beautiful girlfriend who loved to read. That part hadn't exactly worked out in Kaneki's favor...

Kaneki relaxed. Hide was surprised to see a tear roll down Kaneki’s cheek. He hadn’t known that his eyes had regenerated enough to cry yet. “I’m glad to hear it,” Kaneki said. 

_You’re going to be happy again,_ Hide wanted to say. But he didn’t want to say anything he didn’t know for sure.

The session moved on, Kaneki moving through memories that burned brightly like raging fire, and then turned to ashes just as quickly. The memories seemed to blaze as they died, and sometimes Kaneki got lost again, as he did during that first session, sometimes he lost the anchor of Hide’s voice and forgot where he was. He turned inwards, he cried out against his Aunt, he told his mother he missed her, he laughed at something a years-past Hide said. At these times Hide felt conflicted. Did he do his job and bring Kaneki back, or did he let Kaneki experience his past as deeply as he could before it was vanished? It wasn’t like the ghoul-memories. These memories weren’t dangerous to anyone except Kaneki (which was reason enough, occasionally, to bring his friend back to the present). His job required precision, negotiation. By the end of the session he felt exhausted, but not as exhausted as Kaneki, who always passed out when the machine unplugged. That time was drawing near. Dr. Tanaka pitched his voice low across the room: “Just about done…”

“I want to remember,” Kaneki was saying. “What you told me.”

“About university?”

“Yes.” He was struggling to stay awake. Hide wondered what was happening in his head, what memory was playing. “I know I’m losing this…I’m losing this right now…but I don’t want to forget…I want to remember that I escaped…”

“You were happy, Kaneki. Maybe just try to remember that part. You were happy.”

Kaneki smiled, but it was a wet smile. Hide felt his throat closing as the machines shut off and cast the room into disconcerting silence. Dr. Tanaka was walking over, clapping Hide on the shoulder, congratulating him on a job well done, a particularly quiet session, a calm Kaneki. Hide closed his eyes. It wasn’t the kind of thing he could write in his report later, what he was thinking now. What he was praying now.

_Please. Let him have that. Let him remember that it sometimes it was good to be Kaneki Ken. Don’t let him lose it all…_


	5. Two to Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaneki's mother continues to die.

He dreamt one night that he was wandering in a labyrinth of Kaneki’s mind.

Although he often thought he heard Kaneki’s voice, and although he often spun around sure he would locate its owner, he remained alone. So he kept walking. There was only one way out, he remembered. Just one exit to the winding maze.

He woke up from the dream at its climax, when a primal roar broke through the dusty silence and robbed Hide of his ability to move forward. _Ah, the minotaur._ Cast suddenly into the darkness and silence of his room, Hide laid in bed deathly-still, his heart thumped in his ears. He had never put great stock in dreams—in fact he hardly remembered them, eager as he was in the morning to shake off his sleepiness and get moving. But now he found himself paralyzed. He wished the dream had gone on a little longer. Who was the monster here? Kaneki, or Arima? 

When morning came, he tugged himself out of his covers and headed for the shower. He pushed thoughts of the labyrinth away. There was no way to move forward except to believe that as painful as this was, as not-ideal as this was, it was all to help Kaneki. To allow him to shake the monster that had taken up residence in the back of his head. But as Hide made his way to the CCG headquarters, the shadow of the minotaur stayed, and he could not, as much as he would have liked to, make out who or what it was.

“Hey, Kaneki!” He bounded over, made a show of ruffling Kaneki’s hair as a greeting. Kaneki lowered his head and blushed, but he smiled. Recently, the restraints over Kaneki’s hands had been removed. It was the small victories, even if his torso and ankles remained shackled. 

“Hey, Hide. How’re you today?”

“You’re going to be real proud of me, man. Get this: I’m trying to read Takatsuki Sen—”

“You?! Really?”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised! Yeah, I thought we could talk about it. Well actually, I thought you could explain it to me.”

Kaneki hesitated and his smile dropped. “Which um—what are you reading?”

“ _Dear Kakfa._ ”

The smile returned. “I remember that one. It was the first I ever read.”

“I know, dude.” Hide paused, interested in this development. He had been careful with his selection, and he knew that _Dear Kafka_ was probably the one only Kaneki remembered reading at this point. And yet he still remembered—albeit baselessly—that he loved the author. This was hopeful. Hide was counting on the fact that Kaneki would continue to perceive him as his best friend even as his memories of Hide were eaten away. His position, he hoped, would be safe so long as Kaneki remembered the fact of their friendship. This idea also tapped into a deeper hope of Hide’s—that Kaneki’s personality and self were not wholly tied to his memories and experiences. He would like to believe that whoever Kaneki would become would also like indecipherable books. He wanted what he had written in his report to Arima—Memories fade, but something remains—to be true. 

He was trying to believe.

“What do you think so far?” Kaneki asked.

“Well, I have some questions. First of all: who is Kafka?”

Kaneki burst out laughing. It was enough to make Hide smile, which was saying a lot, considering Dr. Tanaka had just entered. It was a fierce disappointment, considering Hide had arrived early in hopes of spending more time with Kaneki. They nodded greetings—apparently the doctor wasn’t in the mood to bullshit—and the usual team of nurses began fluttering around Kaneki. Hide smiled a hello at Nurse Maiko—his only ally here.

“Before I explain Franz Kafka to you--" Kaneki's smile faltered. “Actually, before we start, I guess—I do have a favor to ask.”

“What is it?”

The nurses moved behind the glass. Kaneki opened one hand wide. “Draw a kanji, please. A difficult one.”

Hide paused. “You know more difficult kanji then I do.”

“Anything you know will be fine.”

Dr. Tanaka seemed almost ready. He thought quickly. He had begun reading _Monochrome Rainbow_ at the same time as Dear Kafka, as it was difficult for books, in truth, to hold his interest. He remembered the last short story he had read—"Showers at Sunset." Taking Kaneki’s hand, he drew the kanji for _cloudburst_ in measured, even strokes. He knew why Kaneki had asked.

The silence grew long. Hide forced a smile, even though he knew Kaneki wouldn’t be able to see it. “It’s probably harder, you know, to figure out a kanji just based on touch. Why don’t we try again when your eyes heal?”

Kaneki didn’t reply. He opened and closed his palm several times, mouth set in a hard, grim line. 

“We really must start, Hideyoshi-kun,” Dr. Takada called across the room. Hide’s anger boiled. _Address Kaneki,_ he wanted to say. Instead he nodded consent for the both of them.

“Oh, one more thing, before we begin,” Dr. Takada said. “I’ve received orders from higher-up to speed things along. We’re going to try two years today, Kaneki-kun.”

Well. He addressed Kaneki.

“Two…years?” Kaneki repeated.

Since the session in which Kaneki had recalled the incident with his Aunt, there had been another two sessions. Kaneki’s memories had dropped down to the first eleven-and-change years of his life.

“Afraid so,” the doctor said. He smiled and the machinery began to whir. Kaneki clutched at the bed sheets. 

Hide waited as Kaneki’s mouth worked noiselessly, the shock of Dr. Tanaka’s announcement and the sudden torpedoing into the past evidently robbing Kaneki of his voice. He reached for one of Kaneki’s hands, but was startled by Kaneki quickly jerking his hand away. His arms settled across is torso, grasping tight as if trying to hold Kaneki’s guts in. Hide withdrew his arm. All this time he thought he had been comforting Kaneki, but was this what he had been wanting to do all along?

He slapped another smile on his face. Kaneki wouldn’t see it, of course, but he’d hear it in Hide’s voice. 

“No…” Kaneki murmured. His entire body was tensing, closing in on itself. “No no no no no—“

“Kaneki,” Hide said. He reached out again, but, respecting Kaneki’s wishes, refrained from doing what he really wanted to do, which was pry his hands apart and force him to accept Hide’s comfort. He settled for rubbing Kaneki’s shoulder the way his mother used to rub his shoulder when he was upset. “I know, dude, it’s completely unfair, it’s inhumane, but please, it’ll be okay in the end, just stay with me, Bastard-Sensei is just getting started—“

“Hideyoshi-kun,” Dr. Tanaka said sharply, but Hide ignored him.

Kaneki shook his head, his breathing quickening to near hyperventilation. Hide said, “You have to calm down, man, you’re not breathing. With me, okay? In and out. Tell me what you’re seeing or don’t. It’s okay. Just breathe with me.”

Slowly, Kaneki’s breathing settling, and he released his arms. The hard line of his mouth loosened as he leaned his head back against his pillows. There was a long, terrible silence, and then Kaneki said:

“She made food for everyone but me. She finally stopped. It's just money.”

Hide released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He squeezed Kaneki’s shoulder and then let go. “Is that when we discovered Big Girl?”

“Yeah. You said we might as well celebrate being old enough to be given lunch money. Even though you were broke and I had to pay for you anyway. Later my Aunt yelled at me because I didn’t give her any change…”

He laughed a little. “I’m sorry, dude, but she didn’t deserve any.”

The corner of Kaneki’s mouth twitched. “Yeah. I didn’t mind. I was glad I had nothing to give her…”

The session moved forward. Hide relaxed a bit in his chair. He had thought for a second that Kaneki was going to have a panic attack or something. He was unsure how much comfort he could really provide. Now he did what he always did; he watched and listened and spoke when he needed to. Kaneki moved backwards through eleven to ten. They reached the one year mark, and kept going. Kaneki always collapsed at the end of a session, exhausted, drained, and Hide could tell the longer erasure was taking its toll on him. His breathing quickened again. His arms clasped. Around the bandages his skin was pale and clammy.

“Tanaka-Sensei,” Hide said. “Two years is too much. He’s not ready for that. Turn it off.”

The doctor paused at his machines, then swiftly stood up and came over to inspect Kaneki. He peered closely at his face, and then plucked a washcloth off the night table. He used it to wipe the sweat away from Kaneki’s forehead and cheeks, and then he dropped it in the trash and returned to his corner seat. “He’s fine,” Dr. Tanaka said. “Please focus on your work now, Hideyoshi-kun.”

Kaneki made a quiet wincing noise. “Do you feel okay?” Hide asked. “Are you going to faint?”

In a small, distant voice, Kaneki said, “I don’t want to live here. Mom…”

_Oh. Right._

“It’s nothing like she said…it’s like….”

“….”

“…can’t remember…”

Kaneki started to cry.

“You’re not there,” Hide said gently. He tried to take Kaneki’s hand one more time. “This happened a long time ago, okay?”

Kaneki wrenched his hand away, and if the first time it had been with anxiety, this time it was with desperation, even anger. “I know where I am!”

Hide waited. He did not know where that was.

His friend continued to cry, his arms now wrapping around his shoulders. He thought he saw something dark behind the bandage covering Kaneki’s left eye—but no, that was impossible—

“You don’t understand, “ Kaneki said. “I’m losing her now, again, it’s the funeral, again, but it didn’t happen a long time ago. It’s happening and it’s going to keep happening. I’m going to forget. Mother, I’m going to forget you…how can I forget?!”

Without realizing it he had risen from his seat. Now Hide dropped back down, for once speechless as Kaneki continued to sob and gasp for breath. Not a panic attack, no. But he didn’t know how to provide comfort for this either.

“Mother,” Kaneki said again. “I don’t want to lose you…I don’t want to be the one being hurt…please don’t leave me…please don’t let me end up alone…”

Alone. The word was like an icicle pistoning itself into Hide’s chest. He couldn’t think for the coldness. He knew Kaneki. He _knew_ him. All he ever wanted was to be loved and to not be alone. It was why, Hide knew, he had protected Anteiku so fiercely. It was also why Hide could not bring himself to be angry at Kaneki for distancing himself from Hide. He knew it must have been an enormously difficult thing for Kaneki to do. And what was Hide doing in return? He was going to be forced to leave Kaneki. He was abandoning him to the minotaur in the heart of the labyrinth.

He crawled into bed with Kaneki and held him as he sobbed. This time he did not push Hide away.

After the funeral Kaneki fell unconscious, although the full two years had not been completed. Doctor Tanaka sighed and flipped the machinery off. Hide continued to hold Kaneki, listening to the rapid beating of his heart. Kaneki had not so much been consoled as he had cried himself to sleep. He remembered what Kaneki had said—I don’t want to be the one being hurt. For some reason it struck a chord with Hide. What did that remind him of…?

The doctor strolled over and removed the crown of wires from Kaneki’s head. He tapped at Kaneki’s bandaged left eye.

“Did it light up at all?”

“What?” Hide whispered.

“His left eye finished regenerating,” Dr. Tanaka said. “But we’ve left his bandages on because he’s easier to control while blind. I was just wondering if his kakugan activated. I suppose you’d be able to see it through the bandages.”

“No,” Hide said. “I didn’t see anything. If he’s healed you should remove his bandages from that eye.” 

“Dully noted, Hideyoshi-kun.” The doctor said it with a wide smile on his face. Hide’s stomach flipped. He knew then that he did not have to think about the dream anymore.

He knew who the real monsters were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, dear readers, for all your comments/kudos :) They're very motivating! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I have four more planned at the moment, so we're about halfway through.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments appreciated!


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